Why Structure is Important for Children and How to Get Started on Routines

One of the hardest lessons I learned when I used to be a Leadership & Martial Arts teacher is to always go in with a plan. I found for the longest time when I would run programs with classes full of more than 20 kids and I had no plan, everything would be chaos. Once I began to take my lessons more seriously and design a specific schedule outlining homework time, warm-ups, discussion, and main lessons all the way through to wrapping up and packing up, my classrooms ran more smoothly.

It’s funny because as an adult I’ve established a routine but I didn’t realize how badly children needed it as well. I began to observe why this was important for children (and well, everyone) and came across some studies that enlightened me even more. I’ve then been passing this onto other parents as an ABA Therapist, through my Raising Warriors Program and now here I will be passing it onto you.

First of all, it is hard establishing a routine for yourself and then trying to establish a routine for a five year old (or younger). The common response is screaming and tantrums, right? So then what happens is, we give in. There’s a lot of discomfort when our child is crying and screaming about going to bed or eating their dinner before cookies or having to do homework. The disconnect is what you understand, they don’t: what’s good for them.

We want our children to go to bed at a decent time because their little bodies can only handle so many exciting hours in the day and then they crash and start to get all cranky and maybe we then see the worst tantrums. We want them to eat their dinner because it’s full of nutrition to help them grow stronger and give them the proper energy that a diet of cookies and candy will interact poorly with (the wonderful sugar high they love and we dread). Then of course the highly anticipated homework time becomes a battle of throwing pencils and screaming when we are only trying to ensure the child has a great education and discipline for a brighter future. We have these rules because we care about our child. However, how many times do we feel that the child sees us as evil for enforcing such rules?

Introducing structure: a blend of predictability, responsibility and rewards. A pain to get established but once done, a blessing result.

Why is Structure Important for Children (and You):

There’s a lot of reasons why but I’ll focus on four of them:

1. Predictability

2. Independence

3. Success

4. Well-Being

Predictability:

The hardest part to get to is the actual structure you want to establish and at the end of this, I’ll provide some tips on how to work through that. However, children do not know when things are going to happen. They can’t predict when summer is or when Christmas comes again. They don't know when the sun will come up or how long it will be until they get another toy. They are not stupid, they are young and unaware with no concept of time and reality (it’s cute, really). Remember: they do not have the skills and thought process of an adult. So when they are told to go to bed they freak out because it really is the end of the world. It’s like all of a sudden they were in their happy world hanging out with you and now it must abruptly end without any warning. “Why oh why mother must you cast me into the night whilst I yearn for more cocomelon?” Yes, it truly is a tragedy for them. So it’s like they are in this state of fear because they are in the unknown. Well, now what? Do I get playtime again? Do I get to hangout again with the family? Am I being punished? It’s dark, I’m scared, I feel confused.

I think you get the idea. Now start to recognize where you see this. You can see it everywhere, especially at moments of saying “no” or disrupting an activity and announcing a transition to a new one such as dinner time or homework. Another Greek tragedy plays out before you.

I can joke but let’s be honest when we see our children cry they are truly in pain. So it becomes heartbreaking and we give in to whatever they want but we still have to fight them on what they need to do such as homework, sleep, dinner because it’s a responsibility and a necessity but now it’s just getting pushed back or disrupted.

Once you have a flow of what you want every night or when getting back from school, you will find the child will begin to transition more easily with less tantruming. The reason for this is because they now know the rules and expectations. For instance, let’s say you have a young child under the age of five and want to establish a night time routine. It could be playtime until 7:30, bath time, pajamas, reading a book, lights out. The consistency of this routine every night, the child will understand what is happening and may even begin participating such as grabbing a book to read with you. Once you see this, it shows your child is starting to understand the routine. This can also be applied to after school. If homework time is such a battle, make it happen after school early in the routine so that it gets done and is not mixed with late time stress when a bedtime routine is going into place. Here’s a sample schedule: snack, homework, play, dinner, play/tv, bedtime routine. Once again this is the expectation and overtime your child will understand after “homework I get playtime” and “after dinner, I get playtime.”

Independence

It takes awhile for these routines to take place but the consistency and the follow through will help your child understand the flow. I covered a bit of this in predictability but when the schedule becomes more predictable, your child will begin to understand their role. It makes it easier for them to know what to do next so they can start doing their own thing like choosing pajamas after their bath or showing you the book they want to read for bedtime. Perhaps your school-aged child will want to eat a snack and do homework at the same time and go straight to the table.

A lot of children do seek out independence and when you begin to give them the tools they can then use that to build for themselves. You might even find ways to incorporate chores such as cleaning up toys or setting the table as part of their routine. It can be very easy such as “hey, five minutes until bath time, let’s clean up your toys.” Again, this announcement is helping that transition and is now giving them the skills to start cleaning up after themselves.

Success

I’m sure you can already see why this can all set your child up for success. You’re not just giving your child tools they can use at home but you’re also giving them tools for the future. It’s not about the child being the best employee or student, it’s really about them being able to know what to do for themselves to take care of themselves and to live a fulfilling life. You may see cleaning up blocks as a small task but these skills transition to a clean home for when they are older. The homework your children do may not be relevant to their future paths but they are developing the discipline and focus to understand the process of putting energy towards any goal or passion of theirs down the road. You’re also teaching your child how to take care of themselves such as setting a bedtime, healthy meal time and relaxation time.

Well-Being

When I’ve worked with parents I know some of their stress is about placing too many demands on their child with having structure. It’s not about making them study for four hours a night or having complete freedom and then not getting any rest, nutrition or school done. The goal is to focus on your child’s needs when establishing things. Your child needs to rest. As they learn more and more, their bodies get easily exhausted and overstimulated and need a set amount of time to recharge. Ensuring their sleep routine can help them get that rest and be more awake and functioning properly for school and other activities.

As mentioned, the routine can establish predictability. This can lead to a lot of reduced stress the child is under. Instead of having a meltdown every night and putting their bodies through stress and panic, they can take charge of what their responsibilities are and then still enjoy their downtime.

Tips for Success:

It’s not easy starting something new and when it involves a little human, it can feel even harder. Start slow but most importantly, stay consistent. Do not make exceptions one night. Aim to do things daily Monday through Friday and some lightened routines on the weekends. Allow these changes to become a part of your everyday life.

When the going gets tough though, here are some tips...

1. Stand your ground - I know it sounds like you’re going to go to war with your kid but know when it comes to crying and whining or tantrums that can really test your patience and pull at your heartstrings, you kind of are at war. However, you want to stick to what the new routine will be for the whole time and everyday. It can take a couple of weeks or even months. I didn’t see progress until 2-3 months into the new school year but once it stuck, it stuck. So even on the hard days, push through and the more you push it will settle into place and the child will become accustomed to the expectations.

2. Do not beg, do not whine, do not negotiate. I see parents try to negotiate with their child when there is a tantrum occurring or a refusal to do something. They’ll say things like “please do this…”, “I’ll give you this if you do this (after asking for the tenth time).” Or the worst “I won’t talk to you unless you…” Facepalm with that one. The routine and the expectations are not a punishment and they’re not negotiable. When you give into begging or whining to get your child to do something, you’re actually giving away your power and now you’re letting the child decide the rules. You are the adult. If it was up to them, the slogan would be: no homework, no sleep, no vegetables, no problems. It’s a non-negotiable, this is what’s happening. Be firm but not aggressive or passive. Usually maintaining a leveled voice and a neutral face has been effective for me. That means no yelling, no screaming, no high-pitched whining. This leads me to the tactic I’ve seen with parents who say they won’t talk to their kid unless something is done or say to do something for them. I will eventually write an article on motivation (extrinsic or intrinsic) but for now, understand that when you create that rule or insert that idea in their head, you’re punishing them to do something that is to help them which then if they follow through, it is only to please you. This doesn’t help them in the long run because eventually if this is consistent behavior between parent and child, the child learns into adulthood to perform tasks for others and not for themselves. Remember, this is for them and their growth, not for you.

3. Include the child in the changes - I don’t care if your child is two all the way to 27, include your child in what is going on. Some of my work includes working with non-verbal children with autism. No matter what, I talk to them and explain what we are doing and tasks. This includes them in the process. Try to not establish a routine out of thin air on some random Tuesday night because you’re tired and your kid is not listening. Have a discussion. Sit them down and explain what’s happening. If they’re old enough, have them include some ideas that they would enjoy in their routine. For instance, maybe they don’t want to read a book in bed, maybe they want to listen to a song. Maybe they don’t want to watch tv with the family but they want to play on their tablet. Give them some freedom to be part of the process.

4. Include rewards - Never forget to reward them. Listen it may not seem like a rough day when your kids are at school singing songs and finger painting all day. However, like adults, they also need some downtime to do what they want. They cannot be on such a rigid schedule without any fun included. Give them those breaks of fun like playtime or tv time or coloring time after a task such as dinner or homework. This will give them that motivation to get through the harder things they don’t like. Even going to bedtime can have a reward included.

5. Please again remember your child is not the adult, you are so do not make them responsible for what is your responsibility. I was talking to a parent the other day about establishing a routine at night for homework and the parent turned to the 6-year old and said, “see? You need to do this.” And I looked at her and said, “this is your responsibility.” It is your job to run this process. Do not expect your child to be given an adult task and just run with it. You need to oversee and show them. This is part of parenting. The child has no experience, no understanding and is still developing areas of the brain that assist with decision making. As an experienced adult, you need to help them and show them. Surprisingly, you might be doing this for the rest of your life because parenting never stops. But if you do it right now, you can set your child up for the greatest success and happiest life.

6. Remember to have fun with this - Routine is not just about responsibilities but also a way to bring more peaceful days and add more positive bonding time. Get creative on other things you'd like to add to your family's schedule.

Well, there it is! I hope you find this insightful and helpful. Now go out there and brainstorm a good routine with your child or even yourself!